Um. I mean, Uzis. Yup, I’m the proud owner of two new Uzis. Yes, they are real. Straight from Amazon.com, with no background check whatsoever, delivered straight to my door. Yes!

The black one has a glass breaker and the gun-metal one has a “DNA collector.” They were my first purchases with my trial Amazon Prime membership (which I believe could be my financial undoing — it’s just too easy to click my bank account down to zero before the next paycheck). The black one with the glass breaker is here and the gun-metal one with the DNA collector is here. Don’t know why I got two, but I guess it’s that whole “1 is 0, 2 is 1” thing.

They seem sturdy, and write well (nice gel pens that you can easily get refills for). It’s a bit hard to find something to test the glass breaker on, because, you know, I kind of value my car windows. The DNA collector would definitely collect some serious DNA if you had nothing else on you to defend yourself.

Like my 1 inch stainless steel balls, these pens, for the most part, pass as something innocuous. The SS balls are simply exercise balls, but could easily put a couple nasty dents in an assailant’s forehead. These are simply writing implements until called upon for more serious work.